A Latte About Coffee
by Punzie the Platypus
Summary: Luke installs an espresso machine in the diner and instantly regrets it the moment Lorelai walks in the door. Also, he can't make lattes and she doesn't need caffeine to be able to banter non-stop. Set somewhere in season 4.


_**Soli Deo gloria**_

 **DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Gilmore Girls. From my love for coffee and my love for Lorelai/Luke, it was only a matter of time before a JavaJunkie fic, amiright?**

 **This is set around season 4, with Lorelai busy with the Dragonfly and Rory busy at Yale.**

Lorelai had spent so many days and weeks and months of her life in Luke's Diner that she could find a new detail in a matter of seconds. The moment she walked in that Monday morning, looking forward with a sigh to the day's phone calls and meetings concerning the construction of the Dragonfly Inn, she sensed it. A new presence; an addition to the small, nondescript, everyday diner. What was it? New menus? No, Luke had done that like a year or something ago; he had another nine years before he tried pulling that stunt over the routine people of Stars Hollow again. Maybe a jukebox in the corner? He'd tried that once, to play like Elvis and Frank Sinatra in the background. It'd become such a talk that it drove him mad and he had it gone before noon that day.

Lorelai looked around, her eagle eyes looking over everything. Had Nicole redecorated the place? Was that a new brand of napkins? Don't tell me he replaced the old salt-and-pepper shakers!

Then she spotted it. It wasn't much of an 'it' to see, seeing as most of it was cloaked from the rest of the all-seeing customers' eyes behind the counter. But Lorelai saw it, and she also saw Luke with a manual in his hands and confusion written all over his frustrated face as he looked down at the mysterious 'it'.

Lorelai marched to the counter and put her purse down on it. Luke saw her and said, trying to not sound distracted, "Morning."

"Hey, hi, hey, what's that?" Lorelai said, leaning so much over the counter one more little stretch and she'd be stuck.

"Hey, get off the counter! People eat food off of there!" Luke demanded.

"They eat food off of plates, I thought, unless you've decided to treat your customers like the animals you say they are and just put their food on the counter. Throw meat to the dogs. Do you even cook the meat now or do you just grab a raw steak straight out of the fridge?" Lorelai wondered.

Luke rolled his eyes and decided to actively ignore her.

"Is it even fresh steak?"

"I have _plates_ , Lorelai. Now lay off it, and lay off my counter!"

"But first, tell me what this thing is," Lorelai said, pointing to 'it'.

The 'it' was a large metallic machine, covered a brand name sticker and water. It had a long metal stick sticking out of one corner, with a long smooth black handle sticking out of the middle. It was like a big, rectangular metal sandwich with half the filling missing, leaving a large block of space empty in the center of it. "It looks new and futuristic and high-tech. I want one," Lorelai said.

Luke gave her a look. "You don't even know what 'it' is."

"I know; you won't tell me, and that only makes me want it more." Lorelai gave him a big smile.

Luke sighed; he looked at the manual, unable to meet her eyes as he mumbled, "It's an espresso machine."

"I'm sorry; I couldn't hear you." Of _course_ she'd heard him. "What was that?" She cupped her hand to her ear for dramatic effect.

Luke looked like he was about to throw the manual to the floor and go do inventory in the back, leaving Caesar to deal with their weird daily clientele. "It's an _espresso_ machine."

Lorelai gasped, hand to her heart. "An espresso machine? Like in a _real_ coffee shop?"

"This isn't a coffee shop. It's a diner. Let it not be _mistaken_ as a coffee shop," Luke said sternly.

"Wait, wasn't coffee enough? You're always lecturing me about how bad it is for my health, for my blood pressure and my teeth—really, you are the most concerned person for the color of my teeth in all Stars Hollow—and now you're going to pull espresso shots?"

"Pull—pull," Luke said, flipping through the manual, "I've been hearing that term in this manual. What—what does it mean?!"

"From my interrogation of Hartford baristas, it means to make an espresso shot. Like, a short pull is when it takes a short amount of time for the espresso to come out, and a long pull is when it takes forever for the espresso to finish coming out," Lorelai said, shrugging, "I dunno! You bought the machine, you make coffee, you should know more than me!"

"It's—this thing, it's confusing," Luke said apologetically, meaning the manual.

"Seriously, though: what's with the espresso machine? Is it meant to upgrade the diner, to modernize it or something? Oh, you know who'd do that, try to modernize stuff but keep town tradition? Taylor." Lorelai gasped: "Luke, did you buy an espresso machine by Taylor's request?"

Luke looked at her without speaking for a long, _long_ time. "You're really not making me want to give you coffee."

"But you _have_ to give me coffee; I'm your main source of income: if I don't buy the coffee, I can't buy doughnuts or pancakes or pie, because who eats doughnuts or pancakes or pie _without_ coffee?!"

"I do," Luke said gruffly.

"Oh? What do you drink it with?"

"Tea."

Lorelai bubbled over with laughter, letting it escape her and make Luke look sheepish and embarrassed and annoyed all at once. "Tea? _Tea?_ "

"Yes. You know, tea is actually very healthy for you. It's full of antioxidants; it soothes you and heals you, not like coffee. Coffee just hypes you up. Not specifically you; specifically you, it gives you _fuel_."

Lorelai nodded, agreeing. "It is my personal choice of delicious diesel fuel." She leaned closer: "But like, what _kind_ of tea? Any loose leaf or herbal or something?"

"English breakfast," Luke said flatly.

"Ever shake it up with an occasional cup of Earl Grey?" Lorelai was really enjoying herself _way_ too much.

"I did once. Never again."

"I guess that completely rules out the idea of trying green tea."

"Yeah, kinda does."

"Does anyone else know about your secret addiction, or am I the only one honored with this delicious secret?" Lorelai asked gleefully.

"It's _not_ an addiction. _You_ have an addiction."

"I have a routine," Lorelai said airily, waving her hand dismissively.

"You don't know how many times I've planned in my head an intervention for you," Luke said flatly.

Lorelai put her hand to her heart. "Awww, you would plan an intervention for me? You _do_ care!"

Luke rolled his eyes and tried in vain to concentrate on the nonsense words this manual was spitting out to him. "Well, you're not getting _any_ espresso until I figure this machine out, and even then, the jury's out on whether or not _you_ are allowed to buy any."

"You're taking a product away from a consumer, Luke. That is _not_ how you do business. Besides, I've been very busy, running around and attending meetings and ordering French stoves."

Luke gave her a look. "Do I want to know what that last part means?"

"Oh, it means _exactly_ what it sounded like. The point is, I need caffeine, and I need it in its most highly-concentrated form. Your espresso machine's debut was done in _perfect_ timing, Luke Danes." Even without any caffeine that morning, Lorelai was bubbling over with humor and sarcasm, with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I couldn't have done it at a worse time," Luke said.

"So, does this mean you're gonna do drinks besides espresso? Like, drinks with espresso shots in them? You could do a whole drink menu! You could do Americanos, and red eyes, and lattes—"

"What's a latte?" Luke asked, confused.

Lorelai gasped dramatically. "Luke, how are you supposed to become Stars Hollow's leading barista if you don't even know what a _latte_ is?"

"I am _not going_ to be a barista. Now," he looked up, though his face was tilted down towards the manual, "what's a latte?"

"If you give me a couple of seconds, I can think of a pun with 'a lot' and 'a latte'."

 _"Lorelai."_

"It's like espresso shots and frothed milk, or like—like creamy milk or something. I don't know what they do to the milk! They just make it foamy and creamy and warm, like _you_."

"Please refrain from ever using those adjectives in reference to me, _ever_ again," Luke said, unamused.

"Okay. Ooh! So now that you know what a latte is, are you going to do breve lattes? Gosh, I _love_ breve lattes."

Luke blinked. "Before ten seconds ago, I didn't know what a latte was. How the hell do you expect me to know what a _breve_ latte is?"

"Well, it's simple. A breve latte is just like a latte, but it's made with half 'n' half. It's really _rich_ and creamy."

Luke thought about that for about two seconds before saying, "Sounds like a heart attack in a cup."

"Then I've suffered through many heart attacks because they are _delicious_ ," Lorelai said cheerfully.

"You look pretty good for being a constant heart attack survivor," Luke mused.

Lorelai tossed a little of her hair. "Oh, well, you're just saying that."

"I am."

Lorelai straightened. "So, is it all installed now? Can I be the first person to try one of Luke Danes' famous espresso shots?"

"They're not famous, and I'm not even sure I have it all hooked up correctly yet," Luke said.

"Did the guy who delivered it install it correctly?" Lorelai wondered.

Luke gave her such a look, like, _really_? "You know who you're talking to, don't you?"

"Do I? Does _anyone_ really know the elusive Luke of Luke's Diner? Who is the man behind the name?"

Luke, again, wasn't that amused. "I installed it myself. Seriously, you thought I _paid_ someone to hook this thing up? Please. I've got it plugged in and stuck into my plumbing—"

"It's all settled in, ready to stay a long time. Are you planning on charging it rent?" Lorelai inquired.

"Funny, I was considering asking you the same thing," Luke quipped.

"So you _are_ going to charge the espresso machine rent?"

"You're making me want to serve no coffee, espresso or brewed, at _all_ in my diner," Luke retorted.

"Fine. Do it. All that will result in is me dragging myself here early in the mornings, droning on and on about you ruining my life and begging you for coffee," Lorelai informed him.

"That sounds embarrassing and really annoying," Luke pointed out.

"Exactly. You will do _anything_ to make me stop it, and that _anything_ will be coffee."

"I thought anything meant _anything_ , not just coffee."

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime singular definition."

"What does that even mean?" Luke looked so funny with his face screwed up like that.

"I mean that in this one scenario, anything means _coffee_."

"'Anything means coffee?' This is your new thing now, just giving words new definitions according to whatever you feel at the moment? Okay, if _that's_ a legitimate thing, coffee now means _never_. As in, 'Can I have a cup of coffee, Luke?'"—this was in a high squeaky voice, to which Lorelai took incredible offense—" _I_ do not sound like that, unless you were imitating Rory; then you were spot-on"—"Which will really mean you will _never_ get a cup of coffee."

"I thought it'd mean I get a cup of never. Wait, does that work inverse as well? 'Hey, Luke,'" Lorelai said, imitating him imitating her or Rory, "'can I have a cup of never, please?' And I'll get a cup of coffee."

Luke blinked, focused on her.

"Luke, you look tired. Maybe you need a cup of never to wake up."

"If I give you a cup of never, will you go away?"

"Coffee."

"Yeah, a cup of coffee."

"Coffee means 'never', remember. That means I will _never_ go away."

Luke poured her a cup of fresh brewed and leaning in, said, "You need to drink this and shut up."

"Sir yes sir." Lorelai cradled the mug in her hands like it was her energy source. She looked up after her sip and said, "Can I name it?"

"No."

"Its name is Essie. Know why?"

Luke rolled his eyes. "Why?"

"Because it's an espresso machine. _Es-_ presso machine."

"Ha ha, very funny. Aren't you just the most clever woman in the world?"

"Yes, I am. I thought that goes without saying."

"Aren't you just full of clever quips this morning?"

"Yes, I am. I'd like to credit most of my success to the excessive amount of coffee I drink," Lorelai said.

"Remember to mention lil' ol' me in your acceptance speech," Luke said sarcastically. He twisted a knob attached to the metal stick on the espresso machine and got a shock of fine steam streaming from its tip. "AH! THAT'S HOT!" He twisted it back, and, panting, looked at Lorelai with some alarm. "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"What? The steam?" Lorelai said.

"This thing!" Luke pushed the metal wand up as much as he could. "What does it even do?"

"It's called a steam wand, Luke, or so I've heard. It steams milk."

"How?!"

"Um, from what I've seen, you take a pitcher full of milk, and you stick it in there, and you make the steam come on, and you get lovely frothy milk," Lorelai said. "Wow, I really _do_ pick up on what the baristas do. Mostly I just concentrate on their faces if they're cute guys, but hey, look, I can remember what they're doing, too!"

"Thank God for small favors." Luke sighed heavily; he was already done with this machine, and he'd only had it for the better part of two hours. "This manual doesn't make sense. Maybe I should just look everything up on the Internet."

"Okay. Go ahead and do that. I'll be waiting here."

Luke looked at her. "What for? To order? 'Cause I've got fresh doughnuts—"

"I'm waiting here to be the first customer ever to get a freshly-made, world-class Luke's latte," Lorelai said. She sat up straight and clasped her hands on the counter and looked like she had all the time in the world.

Luke blinked. "I thought you were busy."

"I'm never too busy to help a friend, especially you, Luke," Lorelai said seriously.

"What are you helping me with? You're just making me weird compliments and demanding more coffee," Luke pointed out.

"I, as a friend, will be true and honest with you. When I taste the first ever Luke's latte, I will be able to honestly tell you if it sucks or not."

Luke rolled his eyes. "You're lucky, you know."

"No, I don't know. How am I lucky, Luke?" Lorelai leaned forward with big eyes.

Luke rolled his eyes—again,—and walked upstairs to his father's office/his apartment.

With Luke gone, Lorelai was able to perform some very important business calls. When Luke returned, Kirk ratted her out. "Luke, Luke, look!"

"Was that a hand from the back of the class?" Luke said gruffly as he came up to the counter. "What is it, Kirk?"

Kirk looked a little sheepish at being called out in front of the entire diner. "Lorelai . . . she was . . . on her—"

Lorelai, having taken advantage of Kirk's welcome distraction by easily hiding her cellphone in her purse, looked at Kirk just as affronted and confused as Luke was. "Yes, Kirk, what is it?"

Kirk kept sputtering.

Lorelai turned back to Luke with a smile. Luke said, "Business calls can be taken outside, Lorelai."

"But this is a business, and I was making a call. Can't I make business calls in here?"

Luke turned a blind ear to her as he turned back to the espresso machine. He muttered technical terms to himself as he poured some ground espresso beans into a metal basket that was attached to a black handle, the same black handle that'd been sticking out of the espresso machine. This was called a portafilter. He pounded the ground beans down with a something called a tamp, which was a metal circle with a little stub meant as a handle. He didn't know how much pressure to put on it. He just put all his body weight on it—no problem.

He stuck the portafilter into the espresso machine. He hesitated a moment before he pressed a button. He almost yelped as espresso beaded out of the portafilter's basket. He stuck a fresh-out-of-the-box shot glass under it to catch the drops.

"Ah! Luke, you did it!" Lorelai, having been thoroughly entertained by the whole process, clapped excitedly. "Done like you've been doing this for years!"

Luke nodded. He was only glad she didn't know the ins-and-outs of how to pull an espresso shot, or else she wouldn't've shut up with her 'helpful' comments. "Now, let me see if I can steam milk like they say to do on the Internet." He poured some whole milk into a metal pitcher he'd bought when he'd bought the espresso (Lorelai didn't know this, but he'd asked a guy he'd met at a coffee stand in Hartford what he needed to buy—some guy named Alex Lesman) and stuck it under the steam wand so the steam wand was inside the pitcher. He looked uncomfortable as he turned on the steam wand.

Some horrible wailing came from the pitcher. Luke said, "Why the hell does it sound like that!?" as he pulled it out more.

"I don't know, but it sounds exciting!" Lorelai had to yell to be heard.

Luke's milk was now boiling. He turned off the steam wand and took out the milk. He appraised it with a wary eye, like he expected it to scream at him again. He shrugged and put the pitcher on the counter. He grabbed one of his mugs and dumped in the overflowing shot of espresso. He poured in the milk. "There," he said, putting it in front of Lorelai, "the first latte."

Lorelai looked down at it. "There's no foam."

"What?" Luke said, putting both hands on the counter.

"Lattes have foam and this doesn't. I don't know if it qualifies as a latte."

"Drink the damn thing, Lorelai. _Please._ "

Lorelai tentatively tasted it. Her screwed-up face spoke when her lips, for once, didn't.

"That bad, huh?" Luke said, his tongue in his cheek.

"It's so _bitter_. It's just like _you_ ," Lorelai said, when she could speak. "Okay, biggest surprise of the century." She shoved away the mug. "I don't want this coffee."

Luke sighed. "It was my first time doing it, you know?"

"Maybe you should practice," Lorelai said softly.

"Yeah, and maybe you shouldn't demand the first try," Luke pointed out.

Lorelai nodded soberly, just at the moment the bell rang and Ms. Patty came walking in. "Good morning, Luke—my goodness, _what_ is that delicious smell?" She came up to Lorelai and saw the latte. "What is that? A new item, perhaps?"

"It's my—um—" Lorelai looked at Luke, confused as to what to do, "my latte. Luke made it."

"Luke makes lattes?! That's _fabulous_! Oh, I'd like one, Luke!" Ms. Patty said cheerfully.

"Actually—" Luke began, but just then Babette and Morey came walking in, and Ms. Patty waved them over. "Babette, it's the greatest news—Luke makes lattes now!"

"Lattes? Cool, with espresso! Wow, just like in the big city! Luke, I'll take a latte with skim milk, but just give Morey a double shot of espresso. That's how he likes his coffee, all black, no milk," Babette said, a hundred miles an hour.

"What's this I hear about lattes?" Kirk said, standing up.

Just then, Taylor came in. He'd heard the ruckus of the espresso machine getting installed in his candy shoppe all morning, and was just now able to come over to investigate. "What is going on here, people!?"

"Oh, Taylor, great news—!" Ms. Patty's inability to be quiet wasn't working in Luke's favor at the moment.

Lorelai and Luke exchanged looks. Lorelai got up slowly and said, "I have to go call Rory at Yale. On my cellphone!" she added, when Luke opened his mouth to say something along on the lines of, "Don't you dare leave, you got me into this mess!" She waved her cellphone in the air. "Gotta go! Good luck with the espresso machine, Luke! You got this!"

Luke watched her disappear around the corner with a frown. He was now left alone with a bunch of hyped-up friends he'd have to disappoint. That woman—constantly demanding coffee, arguing with him, leaving him stranded in absurd situations, stealing his heart—Lorelai Gilmore could _really_ be quite inconsiderate.

 **I imagine this to be like a cold opening to an episode. Also, I am a barista. Hence all the technical terms. (I gotta tell ya—Luke's techniques were really, _really_ bad.) Also, I am totally unapologetic about that punny title. :)**

 **Thanks for reading! Review?**


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